The unseen marks of Domestic Violence
Domestic Violence doesn’t always leave physical marks. The control exercised in an abusive relationship may well and most certainly does in my opinion derive from the abuser’s emotional and psychological trauma and wounding. However, when these deep wounds are brought into an intimate relationship, they will most certainly play out in the most horrific ways; even from the perspective of the abuser who would hate to admit that they are acting in the same way as their abusive parent, step parent or significant adult attachment did in their childhood.
Here are some of the ways an abuser might act out that are covert and can be confusing to the victim/s.
Anger. This may not be overt but may result in muttering under the breath, sulking, causing a feeling of walking on eggshells in the house.
Controlling the Narrative. The abuser dismisses logic from those he/ she is in relationship with; intent on proving their own beliefs, so as to make all comply with their maladaptive and toxic way of thinking.
Manipulation. Discrediting, gaslighting, pretending they were joking, making passive aggressive comments and then denying that the person understood rightly. Manipulation is any way in which the actions of the person do not line up with their words and vice versa.
Projecting guilt and shame onto the person or people they are in relationship with. This would most certainly be maximises in intimate relationships and those with children. The guilt and shame is most definitely what the abuser feels but denies themselves to come into consciousness. Therefore these toxic feelings remain trapped and projected onto the people that are close to them.
Discontent and Dissatisfaction. This is what the abuser feels and therefore aims it at the person or people who they are close to through constant demand, criticism and nagging. People who are close to the abuser can never do enough or be enough as the void is within the abuser themselves and can only be filled with self love. The opposite is true, self loathing is a feature of every abusive person and this loathing and hatred is expressed toward others. The pain of facing up to their own shadow and inadequacy is therefore projected onto the people that they “love”.
If you recognise yourself as the abuser in what you’ve read. The answer is simply to seek help through a therapist who is a good match for you. One who can have compassion for you but also will challenge your manipulative thinking; this has been used as a defense for too long. Overcome the pride to embrace a future that can allow love in. That can allow a peaceful life to you and to those who you have relationship with.
If you recognise yourself as a victim of these types of behaviours. Recognise, that you will probably feel vulnerable, empty, drained, powerless, confused and very sad and of course questioning yourself and blaming yourself; one of the results of being a victim of manipulative behaviour. Be sure, that not all domestic violence is evidenced with bruising to the face and body. Bruises are harder to heal when they are psychological; you don’t trust yourself… emotional; you feel empty and spiritual; the person who is meant to love and support you, blames you, closing your heart and your body and makes you feel worthless in their sight. The same is true for you. Seek help. The first step is to talk to a therapist who is can hear and validate your feelings. Then your power will start to come back and you can make decisions following for your own wellbeing and self love.